Today is one of those days where I hate my life. Hate it with a fiery passion. Tears are pressing because I hate it so much. I just want to lie down and weep.
I want to have my own place to live. I do have a place to live, but living in the dorms isn’t the same. Here I only have one room. Sharing bathroom with one person and kitchen with five. I want a flat, where I don’t have to share anything with anyone. Where I don’t have to listen for people in the kitchen, because I’m having a day where I can’t face anyone. I want a place I will live for longer than a year, where I don’t have to worry what’s going to happen next.
I want a dog. Someone who can be there with me so I don’t have to be alone, who will love me and I will love. Someone who I can take for long walks and just enjoy being around. I don’t want to be alone, but I can’t live with another human being. I long for a dog. Dogs are my favourite pets, they’re always there, so cuddly and loyal, but they don’t expect me to talk or explain or be happy all the time.
I just want stability. My psychologist say I shouldn’t worry about what’s going to happen once I finish school, but how can I not? Of course I worry! What am I going to do next June when it’s all over? Where am I going to live? Am I stable enough to get a job? Where am I going to get money?
As it stands now, I don’t even want to finish college. I’m tired, I hate it, I can’t face anymore exams or assignments or classes. I don’t want any expectations. They’re going to shit anyway. My grades are shit, my life’s shit, everything’s shit. I want a place of my own, where I can be alone and feel safe. Where I don’t have to share bathroom and kitchen. Where I can have all my own stuff around me. Where I can buy things without having to worry how I’m going to bring it with me when I have to move out next year.
Is that too much to ask? I feel it is. I don’t know what to do. Or what I’m going to do. I know what I want, but I have no clue how to get it. So I just sit here hating everything.
